Once they learn to read, it's a whole new world of parenting.
A recent care package from our friend Rosalind who lives in California included a bag of buttons, "NO on 8". When we picked up the package on our way to the pool, Gabi wanted to know, "what is NO on 8?".
So I was trying to explain Prop. 8 to her and that some people don't want people of the same sex to be able to get married. She thought she understood that, "so when the law passed, people like you and Ima have to get divorced???"
That just about made me cry - that she would think they would pass a law that we have to get divorced. Then she decided it would have to have a grandfather clause, "No, people won't have to get divorced, just new people can't get married."
So I tried to explain to her that there's a difference between being married in the eyes of G-d, family and friends and being married by law. She understands the G-d, family and friends thing, and she checked that Ima and I are married that way, but she didn't really understand what being married by law means. It was weird to tell her we aren't married by law after all these years of telling her we are married. It felt very strange to tell her that not everyone recognizes our marriage. I mean, this is the kids whose classmates when they came over wanted to know which one of us broke the glass at the wedding. How much more married can you get in their eyes?
It's even more complicated because here in Israel, there's a long legal tradition of giving folks who are common law married, in Hebrew "known in public", the same rights as legally married folks. And our courts have extended those rights to same-sex couples such that there really aren't so many legal rights that have not been or could not be claimed by same-sex couples. So here in Israel, not married by law does not have so much force.
But of course that's not true in the US, as any bi-national couple like us can tell you.
But the hardest part of the whole discussion was the punch in the stomach impact of her 7 year old words, "so if the law passed, people like you and Ima have to get divorced?" As though a vote in California could create havoc in the lives of thousands of kids like her. Thank G-d it is more complicated.
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I remember one of Sharon Cohen Anisfeld's kids saying to a friend when they were little, "So, if I marry Ploni/t, we could do our taxes together, but if I marry Shmuel/a, we can't do our taxes together." It's hard to explain what by law means--I think I've tried to put it in terms of "the government doesn't consider them married, but the people we love and everybody that matters considers them married" or something like that. I remember "by law" being hard to explain to my stepdaughters too.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain of hearing your daughter say that. It breaks my heart. At the same time, I hope you get some inspiration from putting it in terms of "Can you believe, it used to be that people with different skin color couldn't get married--not too long ago! But those laws changed, and these laws are changing too. Soon people will think it was ridiculous." I don't know if you feel it there, but here (maybe it's my MA bias) it feels like you can see the wall crumbling.
Growing up I was always taught that what was right in the eyes of the law was also right in the eyes of the Gd/family/friends, and vice versa. It took a lot of (sometimes-disastrous) trial and error on my own to figure out that this isn't always the case. Losing an unflinching faith in the legal system is a painful process--better not to have it in the first place. I'm glad your kids are learning early!
ReplyDeleteSasha aged 4 had the last word on this one this morning. He came in the car and asked about the buttons. Gabi said, "No on 8". He said, "No one ate? Af ehad lo achal?"
ReplyDeleteWhen Sara explained it to Ziv, who is now 9, his response was: "Isn't it illegal to tell people who to marry?"
ReplyDeleteGail, Sasha's comment is hysterical somehow. And I love Ziv's comment too!
ReplyDelete