Losing and Finding Love

Lots of people are commenting on Jay Michaelson's recent piece in the Forward, How I'm Losing My Love for Israel. When I got a link to it on the Jewish Mosaic weekly newsletter, I decided I had to post my thoughts.

I thought of calling this entry How I'm Losing My Love for Jay Michaelson. But I don't actually know Jay Michaelson, I just admire him from afar as an out Jewish gay leader, part of a new younger generation who have moved so far forward on Jewish LGBT issues. I see him referred to often in Jewish Mosaic posts. In the awful aftermath of the Bar Noar shooting August 1, I was so touched by the response of Jewish Mosaic. I felt that I really was part of a worldwide Jewish LGBT community responsible and committed to one another. So Jay's article was a big disappointment.

I thought of calling this entry How I'm Losing My Love for the USA. Of course, that goes back awhile, to 1993 when I met and fell in love with a woman who is not a US citizen. The year we married the US passed DOMA, and four years after that we were on our way into exile here in Israel because the US has no same-sex partner immigration rights. But my love for the country I was born and raised in and its ideals has been on the upswing since the recent elections and I still entertain hopes that some of the grave injustices present there will turn around.

I thought of calling this entry How I'm Losing My Love for the American Jewish Community, but that would be pretty self destructive to write. I've spent the past 16 years working full time in or for the American Jewish Community - one way or another it's the resources of that community that pay my salary. And half my family and most of my friends are part of that community. So despite my frustration with how easily many North American Jews are willing to dismiss Israel, as though somehow it might be possible for them to disconnect from the world's largest Jewish population center, from the history, the heritage and the miracle that Israel is despite its faults, I can't say I'm losing my love or giving up on the community I grew up in.

I thought of calling this entry How I'm Losing My Love for the Gay Community, but such a statement would feel even more heretical and betraying. I've often felt very ambivalent about the gay community, which makes very little place for observant Jews like myself, but organizations such as Jewish Mosaic and Nehirim have help me maintain a sense that I am part of something, and this blog is in part my attempt to be more out and more connected in the aftermath of the Bar Noar shooting last month.

So I thought the only honest thing I could call this is How I'm Losing My Love of Love, at least the romantic ideas of love I had when I was younger. From where I am today, love is more an action than a feeling. Love is holding my 3 year old when he was vomiting last night and the 2 hours my partner watched the kids so I could sleep it off this morning. Love is going to a parent meeting exhausted at 8 pm and struggling to understand the Hebrew and the completely foreign culture so I can be part of my daughter's education. Love is the hundreds of volunteer hours put a couple of dozen families here in Tzur Hadassah so that we can have a thriving progressive synagogue, the only one in this area. Love is the hours that I and my co-workers spend helping North American students (like Jay Michaelson once was) find funds, housing, Shabbat meals, and all they need to be here in Israel for however long they can and make a connection. Sure, it's our paychecks, but we do it because of our love and commitment to the Jewish People.

M. Scott Peck explained this in The Road Less Travelled. I'll paraphrase him badly no doubt, but he said that when we love, we want what is best for our beloved, and through our love and commitment, we work toward that. All kinds of wonderful things here in Israel, from the Israel Religious Action Center, the Reform and Masorti movements, the Jerusalem Open House, Rabbis for Human Rights, BeTzelem, etc., are here because of the actions and the love of Jews in North America.

So if you feel like your love for Israel or for anyone or anything in the world is waning, think about what the last thing you did was to nurture the connection. Love is an action.

What Happened Tuesday Morning?

IDF forces opened fire at an Israeli Arab driver who broke through a checkpoint close to Beitar Illit

From the official IDF website:

On Tuesday morning (Sept. 22), an Israeli Arab was hit by IDF forces that opened fire at him after he broke through a checkpoint close to Beitar Illit, west of Bethlehem, in his vehicle. He approached the checkpoint at high speed and after the soldiers fired warning shots, refused to slow down, threatening the life of the soldiers. After the vehicle broke through the checkpoint, IDF forces followed it. As they tried to stop the driver, he attempted to run them over with his vehicle. The soldiers opened fire at the vehicle and hit the driver. An IDF soldier was lightly injured in the incident.

A Magen David Adom emergency team arrived at the scene and declared the driver dead. The circumstances of the incident are currently being investigated.


The shooting apparently happened right outside the town where Sasha goes to gan - that is, across the street from the entrance to our town. I'm still trying to find out what time the incident happened and whether the driver had anyone else in his vehicle.

I found out about it because when I went to take Sasha to gan, the area at the entrance to the moshav across the way, Mevo Betar, was filled with army, police, etc. A few minutes after I dropped Sasha off, I heard on the radio about what had happened. I am sure that on the radio they said the driver who was shot was known to the security forces for transporting people illegally from the territories into Israel. But this does not appear in the official army reports.

The reason the hour that it happened is important to me and whether there were other people in the vehicle is because I think it likely this man was transporting or known for transporting illegal workers. The checkpoint he broke through is not a passage checkpoint for Palestinians. The checkpoint, which I drive through twice a day every work day, goes from my part of inside green line Israel into the West Bank. Immediately on the other side of the checkpoint are a small Arab town, Wadi Fukin, a large Arab town, Husan (60K residents) and an ultra Orthodox Jewish settlement, Beitar Illit (30K residents, median age is 11).

Because the checkpoint is not a passage checkpoint, Palestinian residents of Wadi Fukin, Husan and other towns are not allowed to cross westwards into Israel even if they have valid work permits to work in Israel. A Palestinian from Wadi Fukin who wants to build houses in Tzur Hadassah or Nes Harim nearby us would according to law have to travel into Jerusalem through the tunnel road checkpoint (east and then north) and then back around out of Jerusalem to the towns 5-10 minutes from his home. The journey would take him 1-2 hours, depending on how long he waited at the tunnel checkpoint.

Because of this, the area around my house has a constant flow of workers crossing illegally into the green line. The soldiers can never stay ahead of the traffic, much of which is on foot.

When Haaretz posted this story Tuesday night, they framed it as happening close to Beitar Illit and talked about the expansion of Beitar Illit and the context of Obama's demand to stop building in the settlements. It seems to me an equally or more crucial issue for my Palestinian neighbors is their freedom of movement and ability to earn a living. Mr. Prime Minister Netanyahu, if you care about economic peace as you say you do, please give my neighbors a legal way to get to the jobs that are awaiting them in my town and the surrounding towns. Mr. President Obama and Mr. Senator George Mitchell, don't let one issue - settlement expansion - blind you to the other important issues such as freedom and ease of movement. Readers, if you know anyone who works for these important guys, pass on this link!

P.S. Before the intifada in 2000, there were 120,000 workers from the West Bank and Gaza working inside Israel supporting 1 million family members. At the height of the intifada in 2002, 120,000 had dropped to 10,000. Readers, if you have current statistics or know where to find them, let me know.

Comes by it honestly

Gabi has a free moment with the day off school. She's sitting on the sofa studying the excel spread sheet of her class members, learning their parents' names. She tells me, "There are 4 kids in my class who live on Rechasim." I feel such a mixture of pleasure and regret seeing her occupied with the way I spend my work days.

As I clean up, or try to, I think of my Grandma, Zena, of course. There will never be a time that a household task does not have her tremendous presence looming over it. I realize the depression mentality where everything could be used and nothing should be thrown away is not an asset in the world of pre-school crafts and tiny toy parts.

I have a long list so this is a short post. Shanah tovah to all!

banana muffins

Mix 3 mashed bananas, 1 scant cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla, , 1/2 cup apple juice, 3 tablespoons yogurt. Add 2 cups flour, 2 tsps baking soda, 1 tsp baking powder. Put in greased muffin tins and bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Adapted from a recipe in the Fresh Start cookbook by Julee Rosso.

zucchini bread

Mix 1 or 2 cups sugar (brown is good, recipes vary in amount) with 1 cup oil. Add 3 eggs one at a time, then 2 cups grated zucchini and 2 tsps vanilla. Sift together 3 cups flour, 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp salt and 1 tsp cinnamon. Mix into the zucchini mixture and then add 1 cup craisins and 1/2 cup chopped almonds. Mix and put in 2 loaf pans. Bake at 325 for one hour. I looked at a bunch of recipes for this that are basically the same - if you want to, try a little less flour.

Doctors of Philosophy Draw Near

Woke up to a text message that our friend Rachel got her PhD - mazal tov!

As I've watched her and other friends and colleagues over the past couple of years finish their doctorates, I've had quite a few thoughts and memories about the family business - the one I did not go into - since I'm the first person in my family of origin not to get a PhD.

The title of this posting is an exciting line from maybe 1964? when I attended the ceremony where my father got his PhD. My mother's experience was a little different as was my experience of her experience. She flew to London for 2 weeks in 1968 to defend her dissertation - alone. I can only imagine what she might have felt - freedom, panic, etc. at leaving us 3 kids - aged 4, 7, and 9, or something like that. I'm sure we were fine, but the memory I have is from when my dad piled us all in the car to pick her up at the airport - our desire to have her back was at a frenzy, there was no parking, and when we finally found a space and were backing into it, some jerk came frontwards into the space. My dad got out of the car and yelled at him "can't you see I have 3 screaming kids in the car."

Not hard to figure out why I haven't jumped into the world of real higher education. That and the fact I am convinced that I lost a significant number of brain cells with each placenta.

So a warm glance of admiration with just a touch of regret to my friend now Dr., and much love to my pioneering parents, esp. my mom, and to my pioneering sister.

quick dessert for Shabbat

Very quickly because I must go get the kids - cut up a bunch of plums and put them in a greased dish that goes in the over, maybe even a pie dish. Melt 1-2 tablespoons butter. Mix up one egg and one egg yolk with 1/2 cup sugar, then add 1/2 cup flour. Add the butter & mix. Spoon it on top of the plums. Bake at 350 until brown and crispy on top. This is Aunt Eva's recipe, made worse by me. You can also use peaches. Shabbat shalom!!!!

כל שנה מתחילה
בסימן שאלה
כתינוק המודד צעדיו.
כמו זריחה מתגלה
על כנרת כחולה
ופניה לשמי מערב.
כל שעה מתחילה
בסימן שאלה
כמו הלב הפועם לו קצובות.
כמו גבעול ירקרק,
שצומח בלאט
ופניו לפסגות הגבוהות.


פזמון:

זה נפלא ששנה מתחילה לה
בשיר וברוח טובה
כל שנה מתחילה בסימן שאלה ואנחנו נמצא לה תשובה.



כל שניה מתחילה
בסימן שאלה
ולפני שתשיב היא תחמוק
כמו ליטוף רוח ים
שעולה מאי שם
ניגונה עוד נשמע מרחוק.

פזמון:

זה נפלא ששנה מתחילה לה
בשיר וברוח טובה
כל שנה מתחילה בסימן שאלה ואנחנו נמצא לה תשובה

hear a not so exciting version at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0l7h51zZpM

Why I moved to Tzur Hadassah

Today's ceremony welcoming Kitah Aleph to school had everything I moved to Tzur Hadassah for. I have to be honest that I am trying to repair certain things from my childhood with my children and I know that they, in turn, will have their own issues. Nonetheless, a big part of our move to Tzur Hadassah two plus years ago had to do with schools. I saw how kids in Jerusalem were all over the city as the parents tried to find the best education for them, and I wanted something different for my kids. I also went to elementary school in a big city - to kindergarten at a local school having been schooled the year before in England - which had connected events I've been recovering from for 20 years - and the year before that somewhat in Cambridge, Massachusetts. First grade saw me at a new school again, travelling by bus to Falk Elementary School, a private school where I spent grades 1-7, along with my siblings.

I wanted my kids to go to a school with their neighbors and we moved to a small town with one elementary school. It's the largest elementary school in our region. Today Gabi's first grade class, together with 3 other classes, was welcomed to school in a large ceremony on the school field (it's blacktop). They have just put up a giant shade there - not the soft type, it's like a roof - and it has a good feature of improving the sound quality (so Alen told me).

The ceremony was lovely. The classes marched in in their special white shirts, and were greeting by the 2nd grade, who stood behind them to help them sing the school song. Another song, "Every year begins with a question mark" was sung - it's a popular song here - I'll try to post the words. Then the kids sat down and were greeted by various second grade kids, a representative from each other class, and dignitaries including the head of our region. They ended with each class dancing in a circle, and the first grade parents joined the kids for the dancing. And then Hatikvah.

I know that in order for this country to become rightly the country of all its citizens, we need a new national anthem. Nonetheless, I can't help but cry when I hear Hatikvah and realize where I am living and raising my children. My ancestors could only have dreamed of that (and of our unusual family!).

At the ceremony, one of the speakers talked about how first we want to give the kids a feeling of belonging and safety, and in that, they can learn. Feelings of belonging and safety have been hard to come by for me, for many reasons. In part because of childhood trauma, in part because of my family's many moves, in part because of what it means to be a Jew in the Diaspora, in part because of my own sensory issues and moodiness, in part because of being gay, and on and on. When I saw Gabi sitting at her table the first day of first grade with two girls she's been with now for 2 years and who go to our shul, I knew something is right about what I'm trying to give her. And I'm very grateful.

Independence and Leadership

Just so you know, they called that night from the grocery delivery to get our payment information.

I told my students today that independence is not valued in this culture and they should stop trying to do things on their own. They should only do something after asking someone how it is done here. Nothing works the same here as what they expect. A student went to open a checking account and was told he would have to put 3000 NIS on deposit in the bank in order to have an account on which he could write checks. So he did it although he actually needed that money to live on. The assumption from his past experience - they told me I have to do it so it must be true. My intervention got them down to 1000 NIS, because I don't know them. At the bank where I have connections, no deposit necessary. After 8 years, all this is obvious to me. Eight years ago, I had no idea. The city was on strike, is now off strike. I was trying to explain to the students why a strike is good, because you don't have to make any efforts to deal with bureaucracy if they are on strike. They looked at me like I had 3 heads.

Lay leadership - I've been a rabbi of a congregation and now I am the partner of a lay leader and I guess something of a lay leader myself and I can tell you, being a rabbi is way easier. A rabbi gets a paycheck and in a good situation, also kudos and respect. A lay leader puts in hours upon hours and gets to pay for the privilege. Kudos and respect are also optional it seems. I've always had a lot of respect for lay leaders, but it's growing every day.

Please comment on this blog. I like writing it, but I'd like it better knowing there were readers out there!

You know you are not in the USA when...

I ordered groceries online yesterday to be delivered today. There was no place to put my credit card information. My co-worker called her friend who had used the service, who reported that I would get a call a couple of days after the groceries arrived, checking that all was in order and taking my credit card info. So we have the groceries, but so far have not paid.

????? Can you imagine this happening in the US????