Tomorrow is 7 weeks since Lucas died in a car accident. We're now counting 7 weeks from Passover to Shavuot. It seems like a long time and it seems like a minute.
I'm doing the suiting up and showing up thing at synagogue while not wanting to be there. I went by myself this morning without kids. After about 15 minutes or so of trying to connect or pray I realize how mad I am at G-d.
I read a book about grief - I'll post the name at some point, it's by Earl Grollman. He talks about something like trying to re-integrate life around a death - how nothing makes sense and then slowly we re-integrate or something like that.
I watched the kids on the beach this weekend and again just had this sense of unreality - how can someone be missing from our family? How can Sasha turn 5 and Lucas not?
This is one of the poems we read at the memorial last week:
Dirge without Music by Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know.
But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
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I used to read this poem a lot after my Mother died.
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