Ancient History - Part Two

I suddenly realized Coming Out Day will come and go and I won't have finished my story - yikes!  I just re-read the last installment and it feels so raw.  I'm impressed I was able to feel that close to that time last week and aware why it kept me awake.

That's something I remember - waking up at about 4 am every day.  Not know how to know myself, not knowing who I was. 

Secrets are bad for me from a young age when I started keeping some.  So that month of not telling anyone went very much against my nature.

I decided to tell someone.  An old boyfriend - maybe my most recent serious boyfriend - was coming to town and I thought maybe I could tell him.  First we spent some time together.  I think I told him I had something I wanted to talk to him about but I was afraid to tell him.  I never write about sex particularly but that was the last time I had sex with a man.  Then I got up to go to the bathroom and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and when I got back he said:

"You know, sometimes you say things and I don't know if you mean me to hear them."

And I said "what do you mean?"

And he said, "when you got up you said, 'by the way, I'm gay.'"

Which I never said, I said, "I'll be right back, don't go away."  I have proof he misheard things because once before I had told him something like, "I love you very much" and he thought I said, "I want to make you lunch."

So that was the first person I came out to, and I know G-d was acting in my life because he heard me say what I was afraid to say.

Then I started telling other people and all their reactions totally annoyed me.  Lesbian friends said, "oh, we always knew you were gay," and I was like, "how could you know when I didn't know, how can you say that?"  And straight friends were either like, "so what?" or "really?" or "yeah, we knew that," and I'm like, "It's a really big deal" and "Yes, really" and "How could you know that if I didn't?"

I wasn't happy with anyone's response.  Can't think of one person I felt like talking to about it except maybe the woman I was starting to have a crush on.  And one other friend who was coming out at the time.

So then I told my parents.  Why not, right?  I guess it was Thanksgiving.  I was applying to rabbinical school.  My mom said being a lesbian rabbi was like shooting yourself in the foot.   She said I would never have kids.  Then when I said I still wanted kids she said they wouldn't have a father and it would screw them up.  Yup.  Lesbianism was fine for all her friends but not for her daughter.  Makes sense.  I don't remember what my dad said, but no doubt it had something in it about the importance of biological reproduction and reproductive relationships being better than other kinds. 

I like my parents.  I'm not writing this to dishonor them.  This is really what they said.  You can read elsewhere on my blog about how my grandmother responded when I told her about 7 years later, after I had met Alen.  The good thing about my parents is they never stopped the dialogue and eventually, in time for our wedding about 9 years after this, they got it together, and after the wedding they really got it together.

I remember at the time I read some great books - Mary Borhek's classic Coming Out to Parents and another book called Parents Matter.  The Parents Matter book was based on a survey that found that the greatest relationship damage/danger of coming out was actually between lesbians and their fathers.  The most ruptures were there.  But the average time from coming out in the people surveyed for the book was 7 years and my boss told me it wasn't long enough.  She told me after 15 years there's real acceptance, and I have found that to be the case.

Coming out was like shedding a skin.  Everything was raw.  Nothing made sense and everything made sense.  I don't know how many years it took for the shock to wear off.  It was being comfortable with myself and no one else, it was making sense in a different way of everywhere I had been, it was hard and it was real.

A shout out at the end of this installment (I don't know if it is the end or not) to the ex-boyfriend and dear friend mentioned above and to others including Alan Kaufmann z"l.  I don't remember when I told and who I told (except the story above) but I remember I was met with love and support.   And to all my other friends who weathered the storm and stuck with me and to all my friends especially from work who showed me the way and to my family too who were always with me despite some memorable things they said.