Sad at Christmas

I'm Jewish.  I'm married to someone who has been Jewish for 19 of the 20 some years I have known her.  Maybe finally, after all this time, I am willing to say outright - we're in the wrong place at Christmas.

I did not grow up missing Christmas.  I had a full life of Jewish holidays.  On Christmas day my family, like I assumed many English type Jewish families, had a roast chicken and a Christmas pudding.  The fun was in seeing my father try to light it. 

When I was in high school, my rabbi told me we shouldn't be celebrating Christmas at home in any way, and over the years that followed I came to somewhat agree with him.  The day didn't bother me or affect me one way or another.  The commercialism of the season could be wearing, but it soon passed, and I continued the full life of holidays I knew.

When Alen and I got together, I don't remember Christmas being much.  We visited with friends who celebrated, once with her relatives in England.  Another time we were with her family in Trinidad.  Mostly we were in our home and world.  We called her family on the day, but that was about it.

Then Alen's mom died.  The next Christmas in Israel was agonizing.  Here no one knows and no one celebrates.  Alen's mom was missing, Alen wasn't with her family, and no one even knew or thought to call because it was a hard day.  It passed for most of our friends without thought.  Just two months into her grief, Alen was miserable and I was miserable for her. 

After the kids came, we spent a couple of Christmases with her family in Trinidad and they were fun.  Then Lucas died.  The following Christmas was (at least predictably) a day of many tears in our home.  And the second Christmas after Lucas died, we were with her family, with our kids, strengthening bonds, making new memories, and also sharing grief for those who are no longer with us.

Today, the third Christmas since Lucas died, I feel we are in the wrong place.

I don't want Christmas for any religious reasons.  I don't consider whether halachically I should or should not eat a festive meal or give or receive a gift.  I just want our family to be with the people we care most about, enjoying a day that means something to them.

Alen and Gabi are watching the Queen's Christmas message on TV, there's a smell of Christmas cookies coming from the oven, but I'd rather be in a big living room with a big tree in the hills of Maracas Valley.  Merry Christmas.