What Happened - Part Two

Here goes with Part Two of the story:

Insomnia.  Ever heard of it?  If you are menopausal, or even peri-menopausal, you probably have.  It's part of life for many people, I believe I inherited a tendency to it from my mother, and it got worse when I hit my late 40s, early 50s.  I think my mistake was believing it was something I had to learn to live with, instead of something I had to actively work against.

By the time I wound up in hospital, I had been losing 2-3 hours of sleep for up to 10 nights a month for a couple of years.  I would wake up in the night, and then my washing-machine mind would start churning.  It was almost always about work, or stuff I had to do.  And after learning from coaching that I needed to work harder, and losing a couple of assistants in short order, I got the bright idea that if I was up in the night anyway, I might as well go to the computer and work.  Bad idea.

When Vlad died I had a lot of insomnia (just as I had had when my mother in law died years before), and with all the health problems I was having, the doctor put me on sleeping pills which I took for a short time.  When a random stranger told me I was having sleep problems, and I learned that part of fibromyalgia is a sleep disorder, I started really working at sleeping by exercising in the morning, going to bed early, and most importantly, making myself stop my washing-machine mind through prayer and meditation and telling myself I was going back to sleep.  It worked, but I had to be very strict with myself.  No getting out of bed!  No ruminating!

When I went back to work in December 2014, I had just started on hormones and was not feeling a whole lot better.  I mean, I got my sleep back, so that was good, and I was exercising every day, so my heart felt better.  I still had headache and fibromyalgia issues, and I still had the cognitive issues (aka brain fog) which are part of fibromyalgia.  One reason I went back to work was because I didn't know if I would ever feel better and if I wasn't going to get better I wanted to stretch my sick leave for as long as possible.  So I went to work 3 hours a day in December and 5 hours a day in January.  I found out what it was like to be home in the afternoon, and I found out what it was like to say, "no, I can't make that meeting, go ahead and schedule it without me."

I told my boss I was not sure about my future in my job.  I took back most of my job but I didn't teach and I didn't work in the evenings or early mornings (like I had done for a decade).  That relates to another cause of the changes in my life - the kids.  Everyone thinks little kids are the hardest, but little kids go to bed, and if you are lucky, at least a few nights a week, you can count on your brain still being awake when they go to sleep.  But all of a sudden I was going to bed early and my kids were going to bed later, and working at night started to seem less and less attractive or possible. 

In February, I went back to work sort of full time (my old at the office schedule, without the evening and early morning and middle of the night hours).  And that week my boss was terminated.  I had spent two and half years learning the best ways to work with him, and I had a lot of respect for his vision.  But now he was leaving.  They say when you get a new boss, not only does your boss get a new job, you get a new job. 

It became immediately apparent that my goals for my time and what my job needed were not going to be compatible.  My new boss was in New York, which meant meetings that started at 4 pm Israel time, exactly the hour I was trying to be home for my kids.  My boss who was leaving had done the fundraising solicitations - I wanted to do them, but that too required phone work in the late afternoons and evenings. 

I did what everyone recommends - look for a job when you have a job, it's easier to find one that way.  I went on some interviews and some informational interviews.  These clarified a few things for me.  And I also realized something - I could not walk out of a job I had held for 14 years and walk right into something else.  I needed time to say goodbye, and I wanted a break.  After losing both my in-laws, I wanted my kids to see their grandparents.  I wanted to see my aunts and uncles.  I saw how many family members Alen had lost in a short time, and I imagined what the next decade might be like in my extended family.  I wanted to put these things first, now, while they are possible.

So, I made a plan to give two months notice and to take my kids for six weeks with their grandparents and a week in London to see my aunt and uncle.  My last day of work was a Thursday.  On Sunday, Gabi graduated from 6th grade and on Monday I was on a plane with the two kids. 

That's part two.  Time for bed.  There will be a part three, and who knows how many more????