So let's see if I can get to 10 here:
1. Shehehiyanu - I can't thank G-d for allowing me to reach this occasion. I so want to turn back the clock. When my best friend from high school whom I had not seen in 10 years showed up last weekend I had to say it, but I choked on it too.
2. Birkat Gomel - I don't need to say this but I can't stand listening to others saying it right now. How come G-d didn't save Lucas?
3. Mevarech HaShanim - this year has so gone down the tubes, how can I ask Hashem to bless it.
4. Mehayeh Metim - I noticed this is kind of a biggie in our tradition, and it's so familiar it rolls off my tongue, and Sasha seems to have total faith in Techiyat Hametim. I'm not sure what I think. I hope I won't be kicked out of the RRA for mentioning that I actually say the traditional version.
5. Ahavat Olam - G-d's love isn't so present for me right now.
6. Anything that uses the word Hesed - not feeling it from G-d so so much. We've seen a lot of it from people.
7. Thy will not mine be done - if you know me well, you know I say that quite a bit. I'm choking on it these days.
8. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - also well known by rote but not easy to swallow right now.
9. Alenu leShabeach - not so into praising Hashem right now.
10. Tov Hashem la col ve rachamav al col ma'asav - G-d is good to all and his mercy extends to all he does - Ditto on all of the above.
One line I've been looking at favorably - Psalm 90 verse 15 - Give us joy for as long as You have afflicted us, for the years we've seen bad.
English translations of the above available on request.
Please keep our family in your prayers!
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Prayers can rankle so, especially such anthropomorphic ones that require ideological cart wheels to transcend. With such a huge, traumatic, unfair loss perhaps hitbodedut better allows for an expansion on legitimate anger aimed at these aspects of your G*d-sense. The service as catalyst to find the prayer of your heart which in Divine relationship can be, like Reb Levi Yitzhok's strashering Kaddish and other prayers powerful. Not easy to accept, to swallow, as you write. Reads like underneath is the totally legitimate screaming "zeh lo fair! I hate this face of G*d!!! Du, du du!" Or am I over-reaching in trying to understand? with great caring, Goldie
ReplyDeleteThe Gail who struggles so much with the unfairness of life and nonetheless keeps trying to stay connected with the traditional liturgy, as hard as that can be, plus is willing to talk about that to others, is the Gail I love and have always admired so much. I cannot tell you any lies that everything is fine or that living through awfulness is God's will or anything like that (all of which I personally find offensive). But I do have the confidence that you and your family have the strength to make it through this time.
ReplyDeleteAlenu leShabeach - not so into praising Hashem right now.
ReplyDeleteFor me the very act of questioning, struggling and wrestling with God, the liturgy and the traditions functions as a type of prayer. And so also, I suppose, it counts as a form of praise.
(And, speaking from my own family background, the fact that you're even going through this mental conversation already demonstrates and reinforces a serious commitment and mindfulness to God and tradition.)
Thank you for sharing your struggles, how can you have anything else right now? What a loss, what sadness. I will continue to leave you phone messages until I reach you. Just know you are in my daily thoughts. Sending love
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