What it is and isn't like

Leslea Newman had a great book of poems called "Love Me Like You Mean It". It looks like it's been republished as Signs of Love.

In it was a poem called something like "What it is and isn't like," or something like that, about lovemaking and what she wished it was and what it actually was. I love that poem.

So the tragic sudden death of Alen's nephew Lucas has me feeling a lot like I felt when Alen's mom died suddenly in 2003. A lot of things are the same, and a lot of stupid things people say are the same, and a lot of great support people are giving my family is the same.

When Alen's mom died some people said, "Was she close to her mom?" Yeah, uh, she lived inside her body once for nine months, you know? About as close as you can get I'm thinking.

I can't take in the fact that a four year old boy from our family whom we loved is dead and my son is walking around. And that's not because I'm not in Trinidad and it's so far away. It doesn't feel far away. The advent of facebook in the intervening years since Alen's mom died has made everything seem that much closer and it doesn't feel far from here at all. Even if Lucas's body were here in this room, I could not take this in.

I'm the same person I was - I have no experience of the sudden death of relatives from my side of the family and as when her mom died, I don't feel this is Alen's loss only. Someone said to me, "What happens to your partner affects you" and that felt totally wrong to me. This doesn't feel like something that's happening to Alen, it's happening to our family each in their own way. My inlaws are my family. I hope Alen feels that her inlaws, my blood family, are her family.

Some people think stoicism and not showing feelings is a really great thing. I should have more compassion and understanding for them - they obviously work really hard at not showing feelings or weakness and in many cases, culturally that is important to them. There's a wide gulf between them and me on this issue. I have it with Gabi - who prefers to tell few people about what is going on and the ones she tells she asks not to tell others. She doesn't want people knowing personal things about her. I don't know if this was acculturated for her in the education system, if they gave her something in the hospital when she was born, or if this is character and not culture, but it seems she's on her way to being an Israeli.

I'm having a normal grief reaction, which means that my usual variable ability to focus is way out of range. I have, however, managed to get Gabi to school, to get Sasha dressed, to get lunches made, to get laundry moving, and I'm now on my way to the next tasks, only about 45 minutes behind schedule.

Alen made it to London and flies out to Trinidad in about 4 hours. Please keep her, Lucas' parents, Eddie & Sophie, his sister, Kayleigh, his grandfather, Vlad, his grandmother, Lynette, his aunts and uncles Lisa, Jonny and Spencer, his other cousins, his caregiver Cindy, and all their family in your prayers.