Twelve Tips for Getting Elderly Parents (or others) to Move Closer to Family

Here are my 12 tips, 9 months after our successful decade plus campaign to get my parents to move:

1. Play a long game and keep your eyes on the prize: If you really, truly believe your elderly parent or relative would be happier and healthier living closer to family, be prepared to sing that tune for a long time until it happens (or doesn't).

2. Get siblings or other allies on the same page: Siblings who work together and have good working relationships are the most valuable gift that will keep on giving throughout all the processes. Invest time and energy to build or rebuild good working relationships. Get outside help if necessary - we had the help of a clinical social worker - so valuable!

3. Think ahead and discuss: I brought up the idea of a senior move manager more than 2 years before my family hired one. Over 10 years before my parents moved, I was measuring how many feet of books they had in their home. I brought up the topic every time I saw them over a decade. There were many, many long arguments and discussions.

4. Know when to drop the conversation: Since you know you'll be coming back to it, know when to stop talking and let elders process and think for themselves.

5. If possible, set a target: Ok, you don't want to move now, but when do you think it will be time to move? My parents actually wound up moving during the exact season my mother had planned several years before.

6. Enlist the help of other relatives: People listen to their peers. Relatives closer to my parents' age were instrumental in convincing my mother that a move had to happen.

7. Ignore to a certain extent the static: Elders need to be allowed to vent their distress about what is objectively distressing. Things will be said and anger will be directed at you. Let it roll off your back.

8. Take on as much of the practical work as possible: It gets harder and harder to make that phone call or look up a resource, as well as to sort paperwork etc. Do as much as you can to help and hire others to take on the burden as well.

9. Give limited decisions: Mom you can choose between these three tiles for your new kitchen. As you would for a toddler.

10. Visit possible living options: Provide concrete, positive information about what is happening there. Help them envision themselves in their new home. "When you get here, Joe and Sally want to invite you to their holiday party, their poetry group, their art show".

11. Express your concerns and desires: "I want to be able to help you get to your appointments", "I am concerned I can't get here in time if there's an emergency."

12. Don't be afraid to lean into stereotyped roles: I am the "problem child." My strenuous efforts to get my parents to move were perceived as "causing problems". My sister is perceived as responsible. My brother is a good listener. We used all of these to our advantage.

Do all you can, with love and prayer, and when you've done that let go and pray that the best possible outcome unfold. Good luck and may your loved ones have years of good health and loving family.