Anyone remember those books by Maurice Sendak - What would you do, dear? and What would you say dear? They were great!
Ok, here are two challenging scenarios from today. For those who read my earlier post on coming out again, this first scenario can be titled Not Coming Out Again!
Visiting a very ill colleague in hospital - actually I was outside with her family. Her brother in law (looks somewhere between orthodox and ultra-orthodox) says, "Do you have a husband, a family?" I demur, some kind of nod, he asks how many kids I have, their ages, we move on. Here's the kind of situation I don't come out in. The nursing home where I volunteer sometimes is about the only place where I don't speak up. Back when I lived in the states, I had these kind of encounters nearly on a daily basis. Mainly due to Alen's job working with youth, we kept what I would call a very low profile while not being in the closet exactly. Today these situations are so few and far between that they grate. I almost always tell people, I have a partner, which in Hebrew comes out female. I've even had people correct me, you mean "ben zug" and I say no, I mean "bat zug".
Challenging scenario number two was harder. We went to the library and Gabi picked out a book from the "time tunnel" series - they had read one in her class. Then at dinner she tells me she's gotten to a chapter where they get uniforms, and that they are in Poland, in some place that hates kids and all the kids are in some kind of institution. My ears perk up and I run to her room to find the book - one of the chapters is entitled "carts full of clothes arrive in the ghetto". I immediately call the mother of one of her friends who doesn't answer and then my brother for advice.
After several calls the consensus seems to be not to take the book away from her because that will make it mysterious. Her friend's mother suggest she update me on the story as it goes along and Gabi suggests she read the book to me. (O joy.)
The friend's mother also says she would probably not have agreed to the book, but I didn't look closely and might not have realized at first glance that it is about the Holocaust. I would probably be a bit less traumatized if I wasn't currently reading a book about the Shoah myself (A Death in Vienna by Daniel DaSilva). I tell Gabi the book is probably too old for her, might scare her, talks about a difficult time, and she says she wants to continue reading it. My brother tells me they learn about the Shoah very early here - this mom is not ready.
What would you do dear?
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I would have done the exact same thing with the frum relative of your colleague. It's not as if you're a closeted lesbian rabbi in most of life. Some situations, one takes the path of least resistance and that's just fine.
ReplyDeleteRegarding Gabi and the book: I think letting her read it and talk to you about it is the right approach. Never take anything away that she's drawn to, IMHO. My dad raised me that way. He didn't believe in censorship, but if I chose something difficult or confusing I had to discuss it with him. I honor him (his memory) for that often.
I miss you guys. The thought of Gabi reading is....astounding.
Hoping to be in Israel some time in 2011!
xo
Rif
גייל יקירתי
ReplyDeleteעל א ברור שאותו דבר, פשוט מהמקום שמכבד את האדם ומגבלותיו המשוערות ומצבו הקשה באותו רגע - למה לזעזע אותו עכשיו ולהכביד עליו בעוד משהו . את יודעת את האמת שלך עם עצמך ונשארת נאמנה לה.
על ב, עמדתי במצב דומה עם אותו הספר לפני כמה חדשים: פזית גיסתי קנתה אותו להדס ליום הלדת 7! לא כ"כ שמה לב על מה זה.. אני הסתכלתי ואמרתי אופס. הנחתי בצד מתוך כוונה להחליף אותו. והדס גילתה אותו אחרי כמה ימים (איזו הזנחה!) וקראה מהתחלה עד הסוף. זה נכון שהם שומעים על השואה כבר בגן. ועומדים בצפירה. בכל גיל מסבירים משהו מתוך תקוה שזה מתאים ואפשרי לעיכול פחות או יותר. במקרה שלנו, שהילדים הם "דור שלישי לשואה" - יש להם סבתא שהיאא child survivor, ואלה סיפורי הילדות שלה. גם הם באים בהדרגה וכל פעם איך שנראה שמתאים לשומע/ת, אבל זה בהחלט נוכח.
קשה להיות יהודי...
I'm confused as to whether this is a child who doesn't know yet that the Holocaust happened, or simply a child for whom reading an entire book about it would be too scary? I'm confused because--although I don't know how old your daughter is--I can't imagine how an Israeli child of any age hasn't been exposed the topic already in school, in synagogue, or simply by growing up surrounded by descendants of survivors.
ReplyDeleteMaybe my synagogue pushes the topic much earlier than average but we definitely have 5-7 year olds asking what Yom HaShoah is... or why our rabbi at the end of every service invites "those whose custom is to recite Kaddish in memory of the victims of the Holocaust" to rise.
Even in secular education we have WW2 vets giving talks in the public schools pretty early (granted, they are disappearing fast.) I honestly don't think there is an age when our kids don't have at least some very vague concept of a horrific human tragedy in the recent past. (I should warn you that the school system in question isn't exactly a paragon of excellence, and that we also have Civil War re-enactments on elementary school property, complete with canons and modern-day secessionists.)
This kind of early, slow exposure doesn't seem to have any detrimental effect...but then again, I'm not a parent...and I'm sure it varies depending on the maturity and personality of the child.
But I think if she's already gotten to Poland, people who hate children, and uniforms, then the cat's out of the bag. It's just a matter of whether her parents will introduce the topic or whether she'll hear a distorted, possibly scarier version somewhere else.
I've been thinking about this (the book) but wasn't sure how to respond. I like Zeus' comment. I think of children as being stronger, smarter, and more resilient than we expect, but I don't have children, so I hesitate to voice an opinion.
ReplyDeleteI am also surprised about your reaction to the Holocaust book. As a child I was very drawn to, and fascinated by, scary and horrible and gruesome art and stories, as well as sexual. Unless it is media hype (salacious news stories of kidnapped molested kids) I think it is best to let them satisfy their curiosity and interests. As for coming out, I wouldn't know anything about it, but there is a teacher in the school where I work whom I believe is probably gay -- and I can't imagine faulting him for not being out. It's not exactly safe yet, anywhere.
ReplyDelete