What I learned this week

This week I attended a webinar by Mark Divine, author of The Way of the Seal and creator of SealFit and Unbeatable Mind coaching. I happened to run across his book on a free shelf here in Tzur Hadassah a few years ago and worked some of it, and I happen to have a student who is interested in Navy Seals.

The training was about leadership in times of VUCA - Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity. Hello 2020. (I've linked above. There's teaching, followed by a sales pitch, followed by Q & A.)

He said we can move from this to Vision, Understanding, something beginning with C maybe Communication, I'm going to choose Compassion and Agility. Let's go!

I have some reservations about the diversity of the organization and about learning from the military but I take my cue from Pirke Avot 4:1 - איזהו חכם - הלומד מכל אדם - Who is wise? One who learns from every person. Plus I actually love what this guy has to say. 

One of the most powerful things I learned in the session came from one of the questions, where a participant referred to the OODA Loop. OODA stands for Observe, Orient, Decide, Act. 

The terminology comes from the military and security field, but I find the concept immediately applicable to our current situation and the anxiety I see many around me facing.

I start at the beginning - what do I choose to observe. All week I have been observing many of my neighbors exercising, and today I saw a beautiful group of four elderly women exercising in the park. I observed two of my students who have done pretty much no assignments all year suddenly work on assignments this week successfully. I learned this years ago - what leaders pay attention to gets attention. It's in the Big Book in the story now titled Acceptance was the Answer where he talks about his magnifying mind. I choose what I pay attention to.

Next comes orient - how do I orient myself to what is happening around me? This is where bias and previous experience, even intergenerational experience comes in. I watch people around me orienting to what they see with anxiety. I watch my students orienting to an assignment with an "I can do" or "I can't do" attitude. There is no doubt that we are living in times of unprecedented difficulty. How do I orient myself to that? Our local rabbi is teaching us a course, "how did sages in times past respond to pandemics?" Guess what? There's a lot of wisdom out there to help us orient to this situation. How I orient is also based on my commitments - what is my vision? The Dalai Lama has been giving open talks about how to respond with compassion in uncertainty. 

Deciding and acting are then based on our observations and orientation. Mark Divine described how Navy Seals have a bias toward action. He described another loop - shoot, move, communicate. Now I'm not a fan of shoot, but I'm a fan of act. We have a saying in AA - "you can't think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking." I have also learned - self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. This is why chores are so important right now (note to self - teach that unit on chores to 9th grade). And daily meditation. Mark Divine advocates it, AA advocates it, and I'm a huge fan. I've started doing a daily yoga nidra meditation (thanks Margo Helman).

Yesterday I also attended a huge teaching - the memorial service for my friend Rabbi RBO. Per (RBO's preferred pronoun) was a huge role model who throughout life achieved so much. It was amazing to see how per found per niche in the past 7 years of work with JQ International - an organization serving LGBTQ youth and adults from the orthodox community, and how that was the culmination of a lifetime of learning, growth and work. We have a word in Hebrew - assiyah - that doesn't translate well into English - it can be translated as action, activity or achievement but really, it's doing. In the doing is how we manifest who we are meant to be. I know we are human beings and not human doings, but there is something about מעשה ידינו the work of our hands here on earth, the ways we touch others. If you want to learn more about RBO, see this slide show from yesterday with some wonderful video interview parts. Per memory is a blessing and I was so inspired to be with over 100 people remembering per life.

Last night I attended an online class on optimal distance learning, but not before I had a fantastic day of online teaching with my 8th grade class. And I voted! Today's action involves my weekly Friday doing of writing letters to two Jewish men in prison through the Aleph Institute penpal program. As much as this pandemic sucks, it would be so much worse to be alone in prison without family and friends. So I've been doing this for 18 weeks and since their sentences are long, I hope to be doing this beyond when the pandemic ends. And it will end. And when it does we will still be in need of Vision, Understanding, Compassion and Agility. So let's pay attention to how we Observe, Orient, Decide and Act this week. Do what you love. Do what makes you feel good. Do what helps others.

Vegan Mint Chocolate Chip Bars

These are soooo good! (Inspired by Larabars, made by Gabi)

Makes about 10 bars

Ingredients:
1/2 cup almonds
1/2 cup cashews
1 cup pitted dates
4 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 tsp peppermint extract
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

Blend first 5 ingredients in a food processor until smooth. Add more cocoa powder if it doesn't taste chocolaty enough.

Mix in chocolate chips.

Shape into bars and freeze.

Turkey Cauliflower Burgers

These are the only burgers I'm making these days. It's a variation of a Yotam Ottolenghi recipe that uses zucchini, but I find the cauliflower is better.

Half a large cauliflower or one small one
500 g or one pound of ground turkey
chopped parsley, mint, and/or cilantro - up to 2 tablespoons of each
2 finely sliced scallions
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
1-2 cloves of chopped or grated garlic
2 beaten eggs

Grind up the cauliflower in a food processor. Mix in all the other ingredients.

Line a tray with greaseproof paper. Fry small burgers in olive oil on each side. Put them on the tray. When you are done frying them all, bake at 400F/200C for 15 minutes. This makes about one large tray of small burgers, which is good for about 2 meals.

Stuffed peppers

Here are some stuffed peppers - I kind of made up this recipe based on various other recipes and it turned out really well!

6 small peppers
3/4 cup rice
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1/8 cup chopped almonds
one onion
1/3 large jar of pasta sauce (about 3/4 cup, I used tomato-basil sauce)
Juice of half a lemon

Chop the onion and fry it in olive oil until soft. Add the rice, cranberries and almonds and stir and fry for 2-3 minutes.

Cut the stems off the peppers using a knife to cut around that part. Rinse out the seeds and pull out any white parts you can reach.

Fill each pepper 2/3 full of the rice mixture. Stand the peppers up in a medium saucepan.

Mix the pasta sauce with water and lemon juice. Pour into the saucepan. Add more water as necessary until the sauce is about 3/4 of the way up to the top of the peppers. Cover and bring to a boil. Turn down the heat and cook for 15 minutes. Open the pot and pour a little more water into each pepper. Cook covered for another 35-45 more minutes, until the rice inside each pepper is done.

Strawberry Mousse

This is kosher for passover if you happened to buy KFP gelatin this year!

Translated from Ruth Sirkis, המטבח בקלי קלות

2 containers strawberries (500 grams)
14 grams unflavored gelatin (one packet or tablespoon)
Half cup boiling water
Half cup sugar
1 container smooth white cheese. For those of you outside Israel, you can substitute yogurt or sour cream and the amount is about 100 grams/4 ounces. (I have made this parve but I don't remember what I used here. You could substitute non-dairy yogurt.)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon fruit liqueur (optional)
1 container whipping cream (250 ml) or Rich's whip

1. Clean the fruit and remove stems. Put aside 10 strawberries for decoration and cut them lengthwise.
Put the gelatin in a small bowl and pour the boiling water over it. Mix until the gelatin is completely dissolved, and it is liquid, clear and with no lumps. Let it cool a little.

2. Divide the rest of the strawberries in half. Cut half into quarters. The other half put into a food processor. Add the sugar and process into a smooth paste. Add the white cheese and process another minute. Pour in the gelatin, while running the machine, in order to distribute it evenly. Add the vanilla and the liqueur. Put into a bowl.

3. Whip the cream or Rich's separately into stiff peaks and mix with the strawberry/white cheese paste. Add the quartered strawberries to the mixture. Line an English cake pan (a loaf pan) with plastic wrap, put the half strawberries around the edges, with the cut side out. Pour the cream into the middle. Cover with plastic. Refrigerate for 8 hours. Before serving, turn out onto a long tray and remove the plastic.

Twelve Tips for Getting Elderly Parents (or others) to Move Closer to Family

Here are my 12 tips, 9 months after our successful decade plus campaign to get my parents to move:

1. Play a long game and keep your eyes on the prize: If you really, truly believe your elderly parent or relative would be happier and healthier living closer to family, be prepared to sing that tune for a long time until it happens (or doesn't).

2. Get siblings or other allies on the same page: Siblings who work together and have good working relationships are the most valuable gift that will keep on giving throughout all the processes. Invest time and energy to build or rebuild good working relationships. Get outside help if necessary - we had the help of a clinical social worker - so valuable!

3. Think ahead and discuss: I brought up the idea of a senior move manager more than 2 years before my family hired one. Over 10 years before my parents moved, I was measuring how many feet of books they had in their home. I brought up the topic every time I saw them over a decade. There were many, many long arguments and discussions.

4. Know when to drop the conversation: Since you know you'll be coming back to it, know when to stop talking and let elders process and think for themselves.

5. If possible, set a target: Ok, you don't want to move now, but when do you think it will be time to move? My parents actually wound up moving during the exact season my mother had planned several years before.

6. Enlist the help of other relatives: People listen to their peers. Relatives closer to my parents' age were instrumental in convincing my mother that a move had to happen.

7. Ignore to a certain extent the static: Elders need to be allowed to vent their distress about what is objectively distressing. Things will be said and anger will be directed at you. Let it roll off your back.

8. Take on as much of the practical work as possible: It gets harder and harder to make that phone call or look up a resource, as well as to sort paperwork etc. Do as much as you can to help and hire others to take on the burden as well.

9. Give limited decisions: Mom you can choose between these three tiles for your new kitchen. As you would for a toddler.

10. Visit possible living options: Provide concrete, positive information about what is happening there. Help them envision themselves in their new home. "When you get here, Joe and Sally want to invite you to their holiday party, their poetry group, their art show".

11. Express your concerns and desires: "I want to be able to help you get to your appointments", "I am concerned I can't get here in time if there's an emergency."

12. Don't be afraid to lean into stereotyped roles: I am the "problem child." My strenuous efforts to get my parents to move were perceived as "causing problems". My sister is perceived as responsible. My brother is a good listener. We used all of these to our advantage.

Do all you can, with love and prayer, and when you've done that let go and pray that the best possible outcome unfold. Good luck and may your loved ones have years of good health and loving family.

Go!

Just a few weeks ago, my wife hurriedly got on a plane to meet her uncle who flew from a different continent and to drive with him to see her other uncle, his brother, in hospital. They stayed about 5 days, and her sick uncle passed away about a week after their return.

Last Thanksgiving, my sister and I made travel arrangements for our mother and I met my mother in London to visit her brother in hospital. We had 5 days and 6 nights going from hotel to hospital. He died about 6 weeks after our visit.

Another similar family visit between elderly siblings took place in our extended family this fall, with the help of children who escorted their mother to see her brother. Not long after sister and brother passed away on the same day.

Aging siblings often live miles if not continents apart. I remember a man in my congregation who wanted to visit his sister, just a three hour drive away. He never made it - he was not well and the arrangements were too complicated.

Older people often need the help of the Sandwich Generation to make a visit to a sibling happen. If you have the chance to accompany an older relative to visit a sibling, do it. Here are some tips:

• Keep in mind you will need to let go of work and put out money (although I worked every day in the hospital lounge area). 
• Make your focus caring for your older relative, so that the relatives of their sibling don't have to worry about either of you.
• Logistics are best handled by the sandwich generation member so that your older relative does not have to stress (and you have better tech skills for this)
• Leave your own children home.
• Spend the extra money on the taxi, hotel, restaurant, to ensure that you can have something to give to the caregivers and that you are not taking from them. 
• Check in to be sure your visit can be arranged in a way that everyone benefits. Make nearby hotel arrangements.
• Take lots of photos - you will treasure them
• Use the time to reminisce, look at old photos, sing favorite songs, tell jokes
• Offer to relieve family members at the hospital/nursing home so that they can take care of business or rest
• Offer to take them out to a meal, bring in sandwiches, etc.
• Put on your own oxygen mask while you are there by taking walks, reaching out to your own family
• Visit a church, synagogue or place of special memory
• Cherish every moment

In memory of Ronald Jacobs and Richard Greenwood, may their memory be a blessing.